The Cilantro Between Us

My life would be so much easier if I liked cilantro. Living in California, where there is an abundance of Mexican food, I’m the annoying one at the restaurant, asking the waiter, “Does it have cilantro?” Then, disappointed, “Oh, it does? Can you put it on the side?” 

Everyone at the table acts shocked. “What, are you kidding? You don’t like cilantro? How can you NOT love cilantro? I LOVE cilantro!” They stare at me, stunned like I just renounced my religion or decided to relinquish my citizenship.

Never, it seems, has there been an herb that has created such a divide. It’s like the red and blue states. I don’t see people having this reaction to sage or thyme. But with cilantro, it’s either, you’re with us, or you’re against us.

So, I kept trying it. I wanted to like it. I was sure I would grow to love it. But, I didn’t.  I tried it cooked, I tried it raw, I daringly added a dollop more of a little cilantro-laden salsa on my chips, I took little baby bites, and still, I couldn’t wait to get that taste out of my mouth. 

If you’re like me, I’m sure that you, too, wish you could love this little contentious herb, just so that people would stop questioning you about your choice, or so that you could stop making two versions of your favorite guacamole or salsa for friends and family. I figured there had to be some kind of middle ground, at least a Switzerland type of substitution that might work for the masses.  

So, I did a bit of research and found that some people recommended a few different substitutions; a few coriander seeds, a little parsley, some finely chopped poblano chilis, or a little minced green onion with a squeeze of lime. But no matter what, the cilantro lovers will definitely notice the missing ingredient, and you, the cilantro hater, will wonder why you even bothered to add anything to what might have already been a perfect dish!

And then, just when I was feeling like there must be something wrong with me, I mean seriously, how could I hate this little green delight that everyone else was touting as tasting so fresh, clean, and bright, I learned that it wasn’t my fault! They now say that people who strongly dislike cilantro are born with some genetic variant. Apparently, it lies deep inside a cluster of smell-influencing genes. There is a special protein that many of us are extremely sensitive to, and for those of us with this extra sensitivity, we dislike the smell and taste of cilantro. For those less sensitive, they will love it, like it, or possibly won’t taste it at all. 

So, taking a deep breath, I think we can all relax now. Nobody is wrong or right in this battle of the herb. It looks like we need to just accept this and move on. And, like the saying, two heads are better than one, so it goes, that with cilantro, there is no debate, two recipes are better than one.

No country for old men (or women)

Photo by Andreea Popa on Unsplash

I’m all about looking our best, being our best. But I’m not in favor of using extreme measures to stay in a place we no longer belong. The problem? We don’t like old people in this country. This is a *No country for old men (and even more so, women.)

Our obsession with youth and beauty could’ve all started with Hollywood, the media, and the billions of dollars put into advertising — there’s a damn lot of money to be made at the expense of making people feel bad about themselves. We’ve seen and heard it enough to believe it — as gospel. As truth. And it’s become ours. 

The message has been received, loud and clear. Aging is ugly — aging is to be dreaded, aging is to be feared, and aging should be thwarted at any cost.

I know this isn’t news to any of you, but if we’re all so aware of this scam, if we’re on to these con men and women who have pulled this over on us, why do we continue to buy into it? We had to quit believing in Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny at some point in time, too. We’re not old dogs, we can learn new tricks — we can change our beliefs.

Do you know what the cosmetics industry brings in each year? In 2016, the U.S. was considered the most valuable beauty and personal care market in the world, generating approximately 84 billion U.S. dollars in revenue that year. This includes skin care, perfumes, cosmetics, but doesn’t include the plastic surgeries, Botox, and other procedures now offered in your friendly doctor or dermatologists office.

I’m not saying we can’t use cosmetics to enhance what we’ve got — want to wear a little lipstick, some blush, some mascara? Go for it. It’s when we feel that our naked, natural, face is unpresentable — we can’t go out without putting on “our face.” That’s not only sad, it is actually quite pathetic.(And FYI, the average age of a model that is selling us “anti-aging”skin cream is 14. We are not going to look like her, no matter how many layers of that “crap” we pile on unless we are 14.)

Besides being injected with Botox and derma fillers, we’ve been injected with copious amounts of fear — fear of being cast aside, becoming undesirable, invisible. 

Fear of being alone, being ignored, being forgotten. And since our beliefs create our reality, our reality confirms that we are only desirable, valuable, worthwhile, while we are young.

We need to start loving and respecting our faces — our bodies, our lives. We can’t stop time, we can’t go back, but we can go forward, each and every day, with self-respect, wisdom, and an “I’m here, this is me, I am worthy, valuable, and important until the day I’m no longer here” attitude — whether you like my thinning eyebrows and wrinkly upper lip, or not!

*No Country for Old Men takes its name from the first line of ‘Sailing to Byzantium’ by William Butler Yeats. The poem’s central message is that in order to be happy in old age we should abandon the world’s more primal pleasures and turn to the spiritual and eternal instead.

Wabi Sabi through the Holidays

Photo by Nikola Jelenkovic on Unsplash

Some people can’t wait for the holiday season — for them it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. For others it’s a time of dread and just something to get through. But in whichever camp you fall there’s no better time to put into practice the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, roughly translated as the art of acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection.

It seems during this time in particular, we demand so much of ourselves, wanting everything to be perfect, that we can’t help but set ourselves up for disappointment. And from personal experience, I have to remember that even if the chocolate soufflé falls, it will still taste just as good.

But truly, one of my best and most memorable holidays was spent years ago with a group of friends.

The woman that was hosting had unfortunately broken her back in late October but she still wanted to host, so her husband had agreed to do the cooking. When we all sat down at the table and he began to carve the turkey, it was not only raw inside but the cavity was void of any savory bread stuffing and instead was still filled with the plastic bag containing all of the turkey organs.

After his wife apologized profusely and the color returned to her skin, we all broke out laughing, that belly-aching kind of laughter that ends in tears and then we made a call for Chinese take-out.

The holiday, though not all that traditional, was nothing if not memorable. The food was good, the wine flowed, the company divine, and the store-bought pumpkin pies that our host placed right on the table in their plastic containers along with the normally looked down upon Cool Whip, was absolutely delicious.

Expectations around the holidays run high and so do emotions.

We want everything to be perfect. We want everyone happy, the food cooked to perfection, and the table setting beautiful enough to rival one in Martha Stewart Living magazine.

So what’s the solution? How can we adopt a Wabi Sabi attitude? First, recognize that the stress of the holidays affects everyone, even small children. You can’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior all of the time. Know ahead of time that this is an emotional time, filled with excitement, joy, and at times, unhappiness. Try to keep your schedule as open and flexible as possible. Go ahead and skip your weekly book club or piano lesson. This alone takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you more time and a feeling of ease throughout the holidays.

Don’t assume all of the responsibility. If we do this, not only will we not enjoy the holidays, but we will end up exhausted and depressed when guests finally come, or shortly thereafter. So this year, enlist the help of your family. Divide up the activities evenly or do them all together. Make it fun, not a chore to be done.

Another problem is that we put too much emphasis on gift giving. If you feel you must buy gifts for every relative, teacher, hairdresser, neighbor, and the mailman, you are setting yourself up for a very stressful holiday season. Try to simplify this year. Give something of yourself — something that you love to do and that you are good at. Bake cookies, make scarves, give gift certificates for pet sitting, plant–watering, childcare for an evening, or help with clutter clearing. These all make wonderful gifts. Do set a budget, make a list and be realistic about what you can afford to spend.

Of course for many people, the holidays can be a time of sadness or depression. This is unavoidable if we have lost loved ones or have memories associated with Christmas that are not favorable. But this year make a ritual of honoring those who have passed and spend a small amount of time giving in to those feelings. It’s okay. What actually causes us the most stress is that we feel we cannot feel this way. This year celebrate your ancestors. Americans usually hide them away because most of us feel so awkward about death. If you are missing friends or family, try to remember happy times and share them with others.

It’s always important that we stay healthy, but it’s especially important at this time when our bodies can easily get run down. If you have a holiday party in the evening, make sure you eat a nutritious breakfast and light lunch and limit your alcohol intake. For every cocktail or glass of wine you have, drink at least 8 oz. of water in between. You’ll thank yourself in the morning!

Treat yourself to a bath with lavender, pine, rose, or tangerine to help you relax and calm down. Do this before bedtime to help with a good night’s sleep.

Remember to BREATHE.

Deeply. Start each morning out sitting still, eyes closed, breathing. Do this for only a couple of minutes, if that is all you can spare. End each night doing the same thing.

A good Feng Shui remedy is to take an orange and cut 9 small round circles out of the peel. Citrus is known to lift our energy and help with stress and anxiety. Place them in a baggie and take along with you when you are out shopping or out in a crowd. Inhale when you are feeling tired and fatigued. This will invigorate you to keep you going a little longer! Or, you can also bathe in orange peels at the end of the day if you need to regain energy.

Most importantly, keep your sense of humor, relax, release your expectations– and enjoy the holidays!

The Emotional Side of Aging

Photo by Anika Huizinga on Unsplash

Today I was driving near City College and a few young girls passed me on their morning jog. Not together. They came one after the other. It was one of the rare times that reality sort of grabs my attention, reminds me of yesteryear, and I feel a deep sense of loss as it goes sashaying by. It hit me how these young people have so much opportunity ahead of them, so many choices that they can make, so many different directions they can take. And I felt excited. For them.

But it is a melancholy day when you realize that most of your major life decisions have already been made. You have already had your chance to choose a career, the size of your family, the man/woman of your dreams, the place to call home, you’ve rounded third, you know, not much to do now but slide.

Now, this is just an observation, and nothing more.

This is not a letter of regret, confessions to my past loves, or anything of the sort. I realize that life is not over and there is still plenty to do and choices to make. But they’re just not the BIG ones. And there are times I’d welcome a do-over on the BIG ones.

I know a lot of times people look back and many of them say, “I wouldn’t change a thing” — I wonder how true this statement is. I wouldn’t have it any other way either as far as the friends I’ve made, the family that I have, and the daughter that has blessed my life like no other.

And yet, there are so many things I would’ve done differently.

If I’d only thought things through a bit more. If I would’ve known that so much depended on the decisions I would make. If I’d really taken this “life” thing seriously. Especially that old saying “life is short” or “in the end, it’s the blink of an eye.” I wonder where life would have taken me if I would’ve planned more as opposed to living the more free-spirited, “there are no mistakes” mantra. Could that even possibly be true? That there are no mistakes? If you want to feel comfortable in all of your choices, you can subscribe to that school of spiritual thought, that we really don’t have a whole lot of control over our destiny and that we are all exactly where we’re supposed to be in this very moment and all the others.

So then, this is it. Everything is exactly as it should be. Well, okay, things aren’t too bad, actually, they’re pretty good. It’s just that it would’ve been nice to have been consulted about my own divine plan.

Don’t Quote Me

Photo by Anthony Garand on Unsplash

There’s nothing like a good quote to draw you in, get you thinking and fill you with a sense of empowerment, if only momentarily. Social media has become flooded with feel-good quotes, posted and dished out to lift our spirits and make us better people.

The problem with these quotes or just about any other good intention we have is keeping them in sight. We need to tattoo them on our hearts and basically, live them. They need to have more of an impact and get more recognition than a quick “Oh, that is so true”- earning its place on a coffee mug or getting pinned on the “great quotes” board on Pinterest. We need to have them on display somewhere, on a mirror, on our forehead, written like a college kid cheat sheet in the palm of our hands, transcribed on our soul. I guess similar to prayer, cutting back on calories, and brushing our teeth, we can’t just do it once and think it will make a difference. Life requires a whole lot of repetition.

They say that we learn from our mistakes, our challenges, our sorrows.

That when things are going swimmingly we are not learning much, except I guess, how good life can be. So in reality, if we want to learn, to grow, to gain a boat load of wisdom, we should be welcoming any challenge that comes our way. In fact, sending out an open invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Trials and Tribulations, putting out the welcome mat and changing the sheets in the guest room.

I don’t know about you, but really I prefer the “life can be good” lesson plan. But it seems it doesn’t work that way, we need a well-rounded education. And some lessons you just don’t get. You have to take the class over and over again, maybe try a different school, a different professor, and even then there is no guarantee you will pass.

Quoting lyrics from Kenny Loggins —

“Some lessons are forever
Never need to change
Write and the word is written
Then we turn the page

But some lessons take forever
Time and time again
Caught in a battle that you can’t surrender
And can never win”

Finding your tribe

-sometimes you have to go back before you can move ahead-

Photo by Anita Jankovic on Unsplash

It seems there is always a silent battle going on within ourselves and as long as that battle continues we will never be able to live a gratifying and fulfilling life.

When we feel that parts of us are unworthy, or less than, we self-sabotage and keep ourselves stuck. We deny ourselves the best life has to offer. How did we ever get to feeling and thinking this way?

Somewhere along the line we were told or it was implied that we weren’t “good enough.” That we had shortcomings. That other people were more deserving than we were. And it was either said to us over and over again, or once we heard it we said it to ourselves over and over again to the point that we believed it.

But how can we change this?

We can start by going back. We need to go back and deconstruct the negative thought pattern that seeped into our subconscious so that we can quit believing these untruths.

This takes work. You can’t just tell yourself, “I’m perfect as is” and truly believe it. You have to hear it over and over until you really get it. Just like we’ve told ourselves the negatives all these years.

One of the most important and life-changing things we can do is to surround ourselves with positive, inspirational, and uplifting people, people who believe in us.

Rid yourself of any negative, toxic, energy vampires that you might currently have in your life. Not so easy you say? Maybe they are family or co-workers? Well then just start by bringing in more positive people into your circle. Eventually their energy will crowd out the others.

If you don’t have those kinds of wonderful people in your life, find the support you need — even if only on FACEBOOK — yes, I can’t believe I said that. But if you follow people like, Begin with Yes, The Purpose Fairy, and Wabi Sabi Women :) you will find your tribe, you will find support!

I was up in Portland visiting my daughter and started talking with a woman who had moved there 4 years ago from California. As I looked out the window at the gray, rainy day, I asked her if she liked it there. “Love it,” she answered. I asked her what she loved about Portland — and she thought about it for a minute and then said, “I found my tribe” — the people she needed to surround her and support her, and truly make her feel loved and valuable. We all need a support team.

To Be Fearless

I’ve always been fearful - afraid of the dark, of showering when no one’s home, of Halloween. I was even afraid to do a cartwheel when I was a young girl - ride on a horse, or roller skate - I never felt safe if my feet weren’t touching the ground. 

When I watch the young skateboarders or extreme sport athletes I envy their bravery - their courage, their willingness to take a chance, to get hurt, to want something so badly that they are willing to endure whatever the consequences. But no, that was never me.

Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

And fear can be a good thing. It is what can keep us safe - it can be a beacon - a light to follow when our intuition tells us something isn’t right. It’s hard to know the difference sometimes between real fear, when your life might be in danger, or imagined fear, the kind that prevents you from trying things, or going for it, just because you think you might get hurt. And that type of hurt is usually just an ego bruise.

I must say I have been brave with my heart, though - to a fault. Gave it away rather quickly at times and trusted that whatever would come my way I could handle. Some I handled better than others because broken hearts, like glass, break differently - depending on where they fall, what they hit, and what force was inflicted upon them. I have heard that the shards from a shattered heart can kill you, and I don’t doubt that. The cracks you can fill and breaks you can try to glue back together but it never again fits perfectly. There are always little slivers missing. 

But anyway, I didn’t mean to go off on the Brave Heart thing - what I want now is to be more fearless in all areas of life, I want to try, take more risks, take chances, throw the dice occasionally - trusting that everything I need will find it’s way to me - through the breaks, the falls, the cracks, and the fear, and I will end up ok, no regrets and at least a bit more fulfilled. 

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a piece on fear that forever changed my life - I think of her and her words now whenever I hear that voice inside my head that says “don’t do it, you’re not good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough, or something along those lines, and it goes something like this -  "You're (meaning, Fear) allowed to have a seat, and you're allowed to have a voice. But you are not allowed to have a vote. You're not allowed to touch the road maps, or suggest detours. You're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, you are absolutely forbidden to drive."