To Be Fearless

I’ve always been fearful - afraid of the dark, of showering when no one’s home, of Halloween. I was even afraid to do a cartwheel when I was a young girl - ride on a horse, or roller skate - I never felt safe if my feet weren’t touching the ground. 

When I watch the young skateboarders or extreme sport athletes I envy their bravery - their courage, their willingness to take a chance, to get hurt, to want something so badly that they are willing to endure whatever the consequences. But no, that was never me.

Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

And fear can be a good thing. It is what can keep us safe - it can be a beacon - a light to follow when our intuition tells us something isn’t right. It’s hard to know the difference sometimes between real fear, when your life might be in danger, or imagined fear, the kind that prevents you from trying things, or going for it, just because you think you might get hurt. And that type of hurt is usually just an ego bruise.

I must say I have been brave with my heart, though - to a fault. Gave it away rather quickly at times and trusted that whatever would come my way I could handle. Some I handled better than others because broken hearts, like glass, break differently - depending on where they fall, what they hit, and what force was inflicted upon them. I have heard that the shards from a shattered heart can kill you, and I don’t doubt that. The cracks you can fill and breaks you can try to glue back together but it never again fits perfectly. There are always little slivers missing. 

But anyway, I didn’t mean to go off on the Brave Heart thing - what I want now is to be more fearless in all areas of life, I want to try, take more risks, take chances, throw the dice occasionally - trusting that everything I need will find it’s way to me - through the breaks, the falls, the cracks, and the fear, and I will end up ok, no regrets and at least a bit more fulfilled. 

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a piece on fear that forever changed my life - I think of her and her words now whenever I hear that voice inside my head that says “don’t do it, you’re not good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough, or something along those lines, and it goes something like this -  "You're (meaning, Fear) allowed to have a seat, and you're allowed to have a voice. But you are not allowed to have a vote. You're not allowed to touch the road maps, or suggest detours. You're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, you are absolutely forbidden to drive."

Under the Big Top

Welcome 2012, I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. This has been my year from Hell, my life a full blown circus production with all the old fashioned acts. Life under the circus tent - complete with a few clowns, the magicians who make people magically appear in front of our eyes, the disappearing acts where people disappear without a trace, not a sign or word from them ever again.

We even have the standard circus freaks, me, not quite officially the bearded lady at this point in time but I'm afraid if I let things go, give it another year or two, this circus act might be reinstated, with me as the headliner. Another subject all together, but ladies, you know what I'm talking about. These prickly little whiskers that now seem to pop up faster than another corner Starbucks or strip mall. But I'll save that subject for a later blog.

Yes, January 2011 started out immediately with a friend going MIA - a friend with whom I had shared a very deep and personal bond - or at least I thought so. His disappearance almost drove me mad. After many attempts to reach out to him, he did finally surface one day in early August in the form of a scathing email. But it was an email that was so vicious and made no sense that I could never really be convinced that it came from him.

Not long after that, another friend, that I had known for at least 10 years, after many long conversations, topics covering religion to politics, to how people can treat each other so badly, disappeared. Just like that, one day he was gone. Apparently slipped into quicksand somewhere, the Bermuda Triangle or a long lasting coma . I made a few attempts to find him too, but I was already tiring of this search and rescue game that I had embarked on many months earlier.

Then September rolls in, my ex-partner shows up unexpectedly right in front of my eyes. Having last heard from him while he was supposedly at a hunting camp in Maine, only to see him materialize right on my next door neighbors doorstep one week later! Amazing, in the blink of an eye ~ just like that! Magic!

And to end the year with a bang, a new friend ~ one that gave me a bit of hope, apparently buried himself alive in his own dirt and confusion. And with his burial went that small flicker of hope that I had for the immediate future, for 2012. A hope that this one at least was honest, transparent, no trickery up his sleeves. And in all fairness, I guess for all of these "friends" it wasn't so much trickery as cowardliness. A trait they all seem to share.

In the Wizard of Oz, the Lion asks for courage. And this is what I wish for all of my circus friends that have such a hard time being real. To speak the truth, to face your fears, to live courageously~ and I plan to do the same. I discovered in 2011 that the circus life is not for me. So instead of running away to join the circus, I plan in 2012 to run away from the circus and follow the yellow brick road instead. I want courage, faith, truth, loyalty, a brain, all these things that maybe Oz can provide me. But if nothing else, if I can't have all of those, I know I can at least give myself a lifetime supply of Nair facial hair remover, and that's not a bad way to start the year.