Finding your tribe

-sometimes you have to go back before you can move ahead-

Photo by Anita Jankovic on Unsplash

It seems there is always a silent battle going on within ourselves and as long as that battle continues we will never be able to live a gratifying and fulfilling life.

When we feel that parts of us are unworthy, or less than, we self-sabotage and keep ourselves stuck. We deny ourselves the best life has to offer. How did we ever get to feeling and thinking this way?

Somewhere along the line we were told or it was implied that we weren’t “good enough.” That we had shortcomings. That other people were more deserving than we were. And it was either said to us over and over again, or once we heard it we said it to ourselves over and over again to the point that we believed it.

But how can we change this?

We can start by going back. We need to go back and deconstruct the negative thought pattern that seeped into our subconscious so that we can quit believing these untruths.

This takes work. You can’t just tell yourself, “I’m perfect as is” and truly believe it. You have to hear it over and over until you really get it. Just like we’ve told ourselves the negatives all these years.

One of the most important and life-changing things we can do is to surround ourselves with positive, inspirational, and uplifting people, people who believe in us.

Rid yourself of any negative, toxic, energy vampires that you might currently have in your life. Not so easy you say? Maybe they are family or co-workers? Well then just start by bringing in more positive people into your circle. Eventually their energy will crowd out the others.

If you don’t have those kinds of wonderful people in your life, find the support you need — even if only on FACEBOOK — yes, I can’t believe I said that. But if you follow people like, Begin with Yes, The Purpose Fairy, and Wabi Sabi Women :) you will find your tribe, you will find support!

I was up in Portland visiting my daughter and started talking with a woman who had moved there 4 years ago from California. As I looked out the window at the gray, rainy day, I asked her if she liked it there. “Love it,” she answered. I asked her what she loved about Portland — and she thought about it for a minute and then said, “I found my tribe” — the people she needed to surround her and support her, and truly make her feel loved and valuable. We all need a support team.

"Reel" Food

I just returned late last night from a four day fishing trip in Alaska.  This is an annual trip that my brother treats our family to, a rugged Deadliest Catch kind of bonding. After 13 years of making this trip, and at the end of each one swearing I will never do it again, I find myself packing up my dramamine, wool beanie and thermal underwear for the next annual adventure.

I’m not sure what it is about this trip.  It’s definitely not the getting up at 4:30 am, being out in a boat on the ocean in windy and rainy conditions, or being so exhausted at the end of the trip that I need a couple more days just to recover.  But when it is over there is a feeling of accomplishment, the slaying of the dragon, and our bond becomes a little tighter with each war (fish) story we share and the many laughs that accompany them.

A surprisingly and wonderful sunny, calm moment ~  

These trips are about much more than fishing. They are what we call primary food.  Primary food is the way we feed our souls, the way we feed our relationships, our careers, our joy, our need for connection.  And speaking of connection, it is so obvious to me when I am on this trip, away from my computer, my cellphone, emails and Facebook, that this is what true connection means.  Face to face, together in the trenches.  Those trenches can be true "down in the dirt" or shopping together in the designer jean aisle at Neiman Marcus.  Doesn’t matter.  The fact is we are together, in the flesh, sharing our time, sharing the experience.

For me, one of the hardest parts of coming back home after those four beautifully challenging days is that I have to turn the computer back on.  Panning through the numerous emails to find that my delete button is showing it's wear and that the only messages that really matter are a mere handful. Looking through all the Facebook posts that have accumulated during my downtime, only to find that, truthfully, I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing the majority of what is going on in the lives of most of these people.

Social media and all the rest is a part of the way we live now and it is not going away. And, I am very aware of the advantages, especially when it comes to business.  But it is extremely important to remember that when it comes to true relationships and friendships, social media should be treated more like a garnish.  The real meal by which we are nourished comes from relationships that are shared and nurtured when we are together. We are filled up when we share real experiences, a good belly laugh, stories, and conversation.

It is important to feed your relationships, your friendships, with true connection. If you can give your time, give it ~ in the form of a visit, an outing or a phone call. And while you might “like” their photos and status updates on Facebook, make sure you are giving them the true attention they deserve.  Hearing someone you care about laugh can go a whole lot further than an emoticon when it comes to lifting our spirit and healing our soul.

“When I can't sleep I count the buckles on my straightjacket.” ― Cathie Linz, Bad Girls Don't

I don't sleep through the night.  Now I know I'm not alone here.  I haven't met anyone lately that sleeps through the night.  I've blamed it on many things; from getting older, too much alcohol, bad food choices, menopause, and of course, a mind that never stops. It used to be that you would wake at 2:00 a.m., restless, flopping around like Raggedy Ann, or Andy, you choose, unable to get back to sleep so you would just lay there in your half waking hell, waiting impatiently for the first ray of the rising sun so that you could call it a night and rise with it.

Now in our recently cultivated 24 hour "open-open" world, where it seems that, just like New York City, nobody ever sleeps, I can now wake in the middle of the night, open up my resting laptop and check Facebook, where I'm sure people are anxiously awaiting my comments, my likes, my photos and Instagrams.   Checking FB, I see a couple of posts by friends, 2 hours ago, 43 minutes ago, 16 minutes ago.  Wow, they are up too?  Wow, he was up at 3:00 a.m.?  Does the whole world have insomnia ~ afraid we might miss something if we drift off for too long?  I don't know about you, but it is nothing if not exhausting to be expected to perform at this pace. 

My waking life has sort of reduced itself to a small smattering of good friends and then of course, my FB page, which houses my 100+ friends.  (Yes, I am aware, that is a VERY low number of friends!)  A few nights ago I woke again around 4:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  Pulled my computer over onto the bed and entered my screen name. The world had continued on while I had been resting.  News from around the world.  AOL, Yahoo, BBC, I took a quick scan at all the latest.   Hmmm, Obama got the crap kicked out him by Romney in the debate, and now they are saying it may be a game changer, Tommy Lee has at least 50 tattoos, McDonald's is making big changes to the coffee menu and Roseanne is tweeting about Portlandia.  Okay, I needed to know all that.  Then to FB.  A couple of posts from friends that live on the other coast or on another continent, and then I wait.  Like a kid on Christmas morning, waiting for his parents to get up out of bed and get this party started.  I wait to see who is up, what starts to scroll on the side page, "Come on" I want to scream, "get up!"

Mornings used to be my cherished time alone.  A good 2 or so hours of gentle waking, drinking coffee, sitting and thinking about my day ahead.  No one would call until at least 8:00 ~ no distractions.  But now I am like some journalist for CNN or Tweeters Daily, I need to know immediately what is going on.  It's like I might miss something if I don't "connect" immediately upon rubbing the sleep from my eyes.    

My boyfriend has an iPhone (as does most everyone else that I know) and during the night it will beep, it will buzz, it will chime, with notifications that someone has sent a text, an email, a voice message or has posted something on Facebook.  And heaven forbid if any of us want to wait till morning to find out that we missed that Cathy or John "Liked" Bill Maher's link at 2:27 a.m. ~ craziness, yes, absolutely nuts.

Could it be that we are always on because we never feel like we've accomplished enough?  That we have unfinished business.  Answering emails at 1:57 am, watching an episode of Modern Family from your Hulu queue because you couldn't watch it on Wednesday night?  I realize this is the way of the world now, and to some degree you have to participate.  Sink or swim.  But I'm feeling like I just want to do the doggy paddle for awhile, float on a raft with my shades and a Mai Tai, or sit on the side of the pool with just my feet submerged.  I need some sleep!

All is fair in (Facebook) Love & War

This past week I personally experienced for the first time the power of Facebook and what all the debate is about, the claims that it is making us anxious, and in fact, in spite of all of our "friends", lonelier.

We have come to believe that Facebook is a barometer of how well we are doing in life as far as our popularity and desirableness go. We add friends to our page like the Tanning Mom adds hours of time to her tanning booth. Many more than we need. The term "friend" takes on a new definition. These friends are not necessarily the friends we would invite out to dinner, to our daughter's baby shower, to our son's wedding, well in fact, most wouldn't even merit an annual birthday or Christmas card. They are friends in name only.

We post photos that show us happy, enjoying life, adventurous, making sure we are the envy of our "1546" friends. Checking back frequently on our status to see how many have "liked" the photos, how many great comments we have received. And if in those comments we find remarks like, "you look great", "you have never looked better", or "way to go!", we now feel complete, we can sleep much better. It is our new modern day version of being loved.

I joined Facebook in 2009 at the urging of my daughter. She is in a band and would post photos and show updates. "Go on Facebook Mom." And so I did. Adding a few friends as the requests would come in, but I never went looking for friends to add. I admit I do love Facebook for the mere fact that I can stay in contact with past connections that I really want to stay connected with. For example, my lovely and adorable exchange student that lived with us in the early 2000's, now back in her homeland Germany, I can keep up with her. I love that. If it wasn't for Facebook I am sure the emails, written letters and phone calls would be few and far between. What I don't love is the friends who are not friends. I guess if you are using it as a business networking site, you should have many many friends to communicate with, advertise with, keep abreast of what you are doing. But true friends? Do I really want everyone to know where I am at this weekend, where I had dinner, what my thoughts are about Amanda Bynes and the trouble she has found herself in? I think not.

When Facebook is used properly it can be invaluable. Keeping up with real friends and distant family. But there are some of us who have taken advantage of this medium to provide us not only knowledge and entertainment but even "get back at cha" tactics. A good friend of mine recently told me she had been having Facebook wars with a semi-ex-boyfriend.  They are not quite over and not quite on, and yet they both seem to want the other to know that the other is doing just fine and dandy on their own. He will post where he is dining out, what events he will be attending and photos of friends and family. She will then turn around and make sure to post a photos of herself in situations where she is having a good time. Take that. It is similar to the combat sport of fencing, but photos and comments have replaced the bladed weapons. A large part of Facebook seems to be about one upmanship. I'm sorry, how old am I? How old are you?

But what I really noticed was how much I too, have come to rely on the pats on the back that Facebook can provide. On this recent landmark occasion (landmark is a stretch here), my birthday in late April, I woke to not one Happy Birthday message on my Facebook page. Ouch! Years before I had many happy birthday wishes before I had even woke up. They came from friends overseas, friends on the other coast. This birthday morning, nothing. There was a private message from my daughter, "Mom, I tried to post on your wall but you must have your privacy settings set so that no one can post on your page". I nearly panicked. What? We need to fix this STAT. How else will I know how loved I am, how thought of I am on this special day? Even surrounded by the people I really adore, my true friends on my birthday, I wanted more. I wanted to be recognized by all of these "friends" who would receive their daily Facebook reminder that it was MY birthday. Need to inflate the ego a bit. And even though it is lame, you know they only know it is your birthday because they got the notice, it still is validation of our existence, our importance. Yuck. This is scary.

By the time we had figured out that indeed my settings were set to private, I managed to rake in about 18 birthday greetings. Not great, not in the Facebook Hall of Fame scheme of things, but it was something. And in this world of dog eat dog, Facebook eat Myspace, that is saying something. I need to make sure that those settings are never set to private again. In fact, I might even go to the "find friends" app just so I can have an ample supply of likes, comments and birthday wishes. Thereby ensuring a future full of very Happy Birthdays to me.

http://news.yahoo.com/facebook-isn’t-making-us-lonely--it’s-mking-us-anxious--.htmla

Friend (n.) A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

There is a reason the past is in the past. That is where it belongs. Tucked safely away, not to wake and come creeping back slowly, only to shout “SUPRISE!” on Facebook.

Years ago my sister ran into an old boyfriend of mine in the grocery store who asked about me and since I was coming down to visit her shortly thereafter she arranged a get together for all of us to meet for coffee. It had been over ten years since we had seen each other. I was semi-excited. How much could change in ten years, what harm could ten years do? Well, if it wasn’t for my sister chaperon accompanying me, I wouldn’t have known it was him. There wasn’t one thing recognizable about him. He was severely balding (not that there’s anything wrong with that), at least 75 lbs heavier (again, that’s okay, we all put on a little poundage as we age), his once curly black hair was now long, thinning and streaked with gray. Oh, the memory of him was soooo much better! Let me keep the memory – his dark curly hair, his Santa blue sparkling eyes! Let me wonder if he was the one that got away. I like thinking about the past, the way it was, the way I remember it and storing it away in a little chunk of amber.

People, as well as all things in our lives are meant to come and go. Some stay with us forever whether we want them to or not, but most are with us for a limited time. We outgrow each other. We learn from each other. And then we move on. 

But now, thanks to the Internet, which by the way, is wonderful and I gaze upon my computer each morning with love, giving thanks and thinking about what a miracle it really is. How it has opened up the whole world for us to peer in at. No longer isolated, we are everywhere! Twitter Dee Twitter Dum.

I know not everyone feels the way I do, but I think it is kinda creepy that people can “find” me on Facebook. Or Myspace, or Linkedin, Bebo, Classmates.com or just a simple Google search. I don’t want to be “found” –

If it is someone that I really wanted to hear from or have in my life, they would know how to find me besides searching on the Internet. They would know a family member, an old friend, a colleague. I don’t want to have to catch up after 15, 25, 35+ years – how ridiculous. “HI, OMG, you look GREAT! How have you been? And what have you been up to? You look just the same, you haven’t aged a bit!”

Really. Hmm. Well, let’s see, For starters, I’ve moved over 9 times since I’ve last seen you, lived in several different states, been married, not once but twice, divorced both times, gave birth to and raised a daughter. I think I had a couple of mini nervous breakdowns, not really sure, could’ve just been too much time listening to old Jackson Browne records. Gone through PMS, Menopause, hot flashes, thoughts of running people over with my car, which by the way, at times I still entertain the idea, buried four dogs, one cat, leased several and bought one horse, owned approximately seven automobiles, had several different jobs/careers, and this is just scratching the surface. Whew, and now I’m starting over, again. Gee, how are you? Good. That’s great. Nice seeing you. Great catching up. Let’s do it again soon, have coffee or meet for lunch. Yes, yes. Of course, that sounds wonderful. Call me!

And after the “reunion” of sorts is over I promise myself not to give away my time so easily ever again. It is a sacred commodity and all I want to do is spend time with the people that I have kept in my circle. I am too tired and too bored to have to repeat and hear all these stories again. They are in my past. And as wonderful as my past has been and it is our past that makes us who we are today, I just want to leave it there. Let it rest. Give me some new material.

So if you add me as your “friend” to Facebook and I choose to ignore the request, please don’t take it personally. I just have more than enough friends right now and I can hardly give them the time and attention they deserve.