Wabi Sabi through the Holidays

Photo by Nikola Jelenkovic on Unsplash

Some people can’t wait for the holiday season — for them it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. For others it’s a time of dread and just something to get through. But in whichever camp you fall there’s no better time to put into practice the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, roughly translated as the art of acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection.

It seems during this time in particular, we demand so much of ourselves, wanting everything to be perfect, that we can’t help but set ourselves up for disappointment. And from personal experience, I have to remember that even if the chocolate soufflé falls, it will still taste just as good.

But truly, one of my best and most memorable holidays was spent years ago with a group of friends.

The woman that was hosting had unfortunately broken her back in late October but she still wanted to host, so her husband had agreed to do the cooking. When we all sat down at the table and he began to carve the turkey, it was not only raw inside but the cavity was void of any savory bread stuffing and instead was still filled with the plastic bag containing all of the turkey organs.

After his wife apologized profusely and the color returned to her skin, we all broke out laughing, that belly-aching kind of laughter that ends in tears and then we made a call for Chinese take-out.

The holiday, though not all that traditional, was nothing if not memorable. The food was good, the wine flowed, the company divine, and the store-bought pumpkin pies that our host placed right on the table in their plastic containers along with the normally looked down upon Cool Whip, was absolutely delicious.

Expectations around the holidays run high and so do emotions.

We want everything to be perfect. We want everyone happy, the food cooked to perfection, and the table setting beautiful enough to rival one in Martha Stewart Living magazine.

So what’s the solution? How can we adopt a Wabi Sabi attitude? First, recognize that the stress of the holidays affects everyone, even small children. You can’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior all of the time. Know ahead of time that this is an emotional time, filled with excitement, joy, and at times, unhappiness. Try to keep your schedule as open and flexible as possible. Go ahead and skip your weekly book club or piano lesson. This alone takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you more time and a feeling of ease throughout the holidays.

Don’t assume all of the responsibility. If we do this, not only will we not enjoy the holidays, but we will end up exhausted and depressed when guests finally come, or shortly thereafter. So this year, enlist the help of your family. Divide up the activities evenly or do them all together. Make it fun, not a chore to be done.

Another problem is that we put too much emphasis on gift giving. If you feel you must buy gifts for every relative, teacher, hairdresser, neighbor, and the mailman, you are setting yourself up for a very stressful holiday season. Try to simplify this year. Give something of yourself — something that you love to do and that you are good at. Bake cookies, make scarves, give gift certificates for pet sitting, plant–watering, childcare for an evening, or help with clutter clearing. These all make wonderful gifts. Do set a budget, make a list and be realistic about what you can afford to spend.

Of course for many people, the holidays can be a time of sadness or depression. This is unavoidable if we have lost loved ones or have memories associated with Christmas that are not favorable. But this year make a ritual of honoring those who have passed and spend a small amount of time giving in to those feelings. It’s okay. What actually causes us the most stress is that we feel we cannot feel this way. This year celebrate your ancestors. Americans usually hide them away because most of us feel so awkward about death. If you are missing friends or family, try to remember happy times and share them with others.

It’s always important that we stay healthy, but it’s especially important at this time when our bodies can easily get run down. If you have a holiday party in the evening, make sure you eat a nutritious breakfast and light lunch and limit your alcohol intake. For every cocktail or glass of wine you have, drink at least 8 oz. of water in between. You’ll thank yourself in the morning!

Treat yourself to a bath with lavender, pine, rose, or tangerine to help you relax and calm down. Do this before bedtime to help with a good night’s sleep.

Remember to BREATHE.

Deeply. Start each morning out sitting still, eyes closed, breathing. Do this for only a couple of minutes, if that is all you can spare. End each night doing the same thing.

A good Feng Shui remedy is to take an orange and cut 9 small round circles out of the peel. Citrus is known to lift our energy and help with stress and anxiety. Place them in a baggie and take along with you when you are out shopping or out in a crowd. Inhale when you are feeling tired and fatigued. This will invigorate you to keep you going a little longer! Or, you can also bathe in orange peels at the end of the day if you need to regain energy.

Most importantly, keep your sense of humor, relax, release your expectations– and enjoy the holidays!

Red, white and summer blues

Call me unpatriotic, anti-social, bored with the whole "pollute up the air" fireworks, but Independence Day has never been anywhere near the top of my list of favorite holidays.  Maybe because it falls in summer. I don't eat hot dogs, not too fond of jello salad, can't stand the noise from the neighborhood street firecrackers and the late night pan banging and bottle rockets that interrupt my already restless sleep.

But, as usual, I am harassed by friends, or perhaps I should use a less harsh word, let's try nudged, by my best friend Virginia in particular, to engage in the festivities, oh it will be so fun!  She promises Sangria, her killer potato salad (which it was) sun, pool and laughs (which were many).

Sangria, anyone?

Last year I decided to attend her 4th of July BBQ, she lives in Roseville, and from Napa it takes me about an hour and 40 minutes to get to her house.  After the long day's festivities I decided to drive home and was stuck in traffic that made my one way drive home an obnoxious 4 hours long.  Imperfect ending to a perfect day. I swore I would never get anywhere near I-80 again on a holiday, or I might even go so far as to avoid I-80 for the entire summer. It would just depend how well my memory would serve me.

I-80

So this year, same invite to spend the 4th with Virginia.  I decided to spend the night this time, enjoy a leisurely morning with coffee together on the patio and that way insuring an easy ride home.  Yes, I'll show them.  While all of you folks are back working on Tuesday, me and my smug self will be zooming along in the fast lane, making record time, thrilled at my good fortune of having the luxury to come and go as I please.  My mistake, apparently everyone else had the same bad taste in their mouth from their previous holiday road trips and decided they too, could take an extra day off work and beat the rest of the crowds at their own game.

I'm not sure the reason, but Cal Trans always seems to schedule major road construction during the summer (which I've never understood, since we have extremely mild winters here and the work could be done anytime during the year) but they seem to be particularly fond of holiday weekends.  Really hot ones.  Where the sun beats in your car window and even with the A/C blasting a chilly 59 degrees, you could still get 3rd degree burns on one side of your face, your one arm, throw in a thigh.  Maybe they resent having to work during the heat of summer  - you know, misery loves company.  If I'm going down I'm gonna take you with me attitude.

So, it's bad enough that there is traffic, construction, and temperatures hovering around the 100 degree mark.  But the drivers, OMG, the drivers! I realize that I do obsess about this subject matter from time to time, but I can't help but be amazed that a driver's license is so easy to get.  For one thing, I would think if the general public has grasped the concept of "tall, grande and venti" that by now they should understand, "slow lane, fast lane, and the harmless middle of the road lane."  But apparently not.  There is nothing worse (I know that isn't a true statement, of course there are worse things, but the statement is for effect) than being trapped behind someone driving much too slow in the fast lane, you can't get around them, because car #2 in the lane next to you is mindlessly keeping pace with you.  There is no way out, you are stuck driving behind "I obey all speed limits" and wedged next to the car in the middle lane who could care less about your dilemma.  Frustrating to say the least. 

I have mentioned before that I am a Fire Monkey in Chinese Astrology and one of the first mentions of the monkey personality is that they have "superiority complexes" - I don't really see it as a complex, it just is what it is.  I know how to drive.  I pay attention, not just to the road in front of me, but the drivers behind me, on the side of me, I check my rear view mirror frequently, check to see who is merging on the freeway and make room if need be.  I guess though, that my expectations of others are too high - I expect them to drive like I do.  Sometimes I can get a little high strung in the car - which can be intensified if say, someone like "Nine Inch Nails" comes on the radio - and I need to remind myself, "find better station" and "breathe, just breathe".

But on a positive note, and I am working this to find one, as I was crawling along, barely moving, a good sized dragonfly was flying along side my car, at eye level and just stayed with me for maybe 5 minutes.  Here on this late hot morning, on a polluted freeway, this little creature stayed with me, kept me distracted and it made me recall a time when it seemed dragonflies were all around me, I would see them in the yard, on a book jacket, on a piece of artwork, and I looked up their meaning.  The dragonfly is symbolic of renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Dragonflies can also be a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. As a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change and maybe most importantly, as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has.

Alright little happy dragonfly, I will try and heed your message.  Which I am taking as "quit complaining, grow up a bit, and enjoy your life, even if stuck in traffic."  I guess if you look around a bit, side to side, instead of always straight ahead, lose the tunnel vision, there are many good things worth seeing, even on the congested freeway of life.