Thursday, September 8, 2011

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now



My writing has been on the back burner, with all my personal drama and self-inflicted day mares, and when that happens it always causes me to panic. Maybe I'm out of words, out of thoughts to put down on paper, maybe I have nothing left to say, but the most unsettling thing of all, is that after 4 months of my unemployed freedom, I now have a job. Nothing scarier to me. It is that commitment phobia that I have. I always have to remind myself that "nothing is forever", sadly, as I have learned, not even the best things in life. It makes it easier to get through a work week, knowing that life's picture isn't completely painted, it is a work in progress. I can still add a few brush strokes here and there to the canvas. (Yes, I work in an art gallery if you couldn't guess)

I'm not sure where this fear of commitment comes from, but I've always had it. I can commit to a relationship (okay, so they haven't all lasted, but there was a commitment involved), but something as simple as commit to a mattress? I bought a tempurpedic a while back, and when I realized it had a lifetime warranty and that this could possibly be the last mattress of my life, I had to return it. It was just to final. It felt like I had just purchased a cemetery plot, much too end of the line for me. When I hear people say things like, "this is the last house we will ever live in" or "this is the last car I will ever buy", it just sends shivers up then down my spine.

Funny thing, this human nature. We want something, we get something, we want something else, we get something else, but it is never enough, or the "newness" high never lasts long enough to keep us out of our mental shopping mall for long. The contentment we feel is oh so fleeting. When I was unemployed, I was so consumed and worried about when and where I would earn my next dollar that I had a hard time enjoying the freedom that I was temporarily granted. Now with my job, all I can think about is how to finagle some time off, and I've only been there two weeks!

Borrowing from The Smiths, "I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now. I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now." Looks like it might be time for a new mindset. I will happily go to work each day and I will drink in (even if that drink is laced with vodka) the possibilities that each new morning can bring. You never know where a day will take you. I just know that I need those days that take me away, somewhere unexpected, somewhere new, somewhere where I can see a road up ahead, one that has a fork in it.

**My sweet Katharina - this blog is for you xo

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