Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Noise Wars

My neighbor is having sex again. It is 2:03 a.m. I first woke at 1:23 am when I thought we were having a small earthquake, seriously.

There are some beautiful things about a 1940's four-plex and there are some beautiful things about men in their late 20's and the women who love them. Insulation and getting to bed early and sleeping quietly through the night are not those things.

When my old neighbor, we will call her "Sally", moved out, I was relieved. She was always complaining about the noise. She commented about how my coffee pot woke her every morning when it beeped once the coffee had finished brewing. I knew it was early, around 5:30, but I couldn't believe that she could hear it, especially because she lived above me. She would occasionally mention that she could hear me walking (even though I always remove my shoes indoors and have area rugs throughout. I basically thought that she was just a whiny bitch who needed something to be unhappy about. So when I spotted the U-haul out in front of the building last May, I can't say I was sad to see her go.

The new neighbor started out like a breath of fresh air. A young man, hardly ever home, and when he was, I would let it slide when it sounded like a herd of elephants upstairs. Oh well, he is young, he is a man, he is loud, and he has a foosball table in his living room. He is in his own home for goodness sake. Give him a break, let him live a little. Then the worst thing happened. He got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who apparently likes a good pair of stiletto heels, or something extra clompy. She, unlike me, loves to keep her shoes on. Day and night.

When the visits first started happening, I thought, hey, everyone has a life. I can deal with a night or heaven forbid, two, a week, being woke to the sound of a squeaking bed, loud Hollywood style (or more like deep throat porn style) moaning. I must say, I have never been one to watch porn or enjoy seeing other's have sex, so when I have to share their experience, it makes me somewhat uncomfortable and frankly, it sounds so animalistic and dare I say, disgusting? Please just let it end.

Now it seems that Linda Lovelace or her sister has moved in. At least on a part-time basis. She has been there at least 4 of the past 6 nights and their lovemaking seems to be getting more frequent. I mean really, their sessions can go on for hours - who has that kind of stamina? I am way too old for this. Sleep has long since trumped sex, especially someone else's sex.

So it is now 2:37 and I thought I would share with you that they are now upstairs having sweet low talk, or I am hoping that is what it is. Please, just cuddle up you two and drift off into dream land. Luckily, I have the day off tomorrow, so I don't mind being up blogging at this hour. But you can be sure that my coffee pot will go off around 5:30 a.m. and if it had a volume control it would most definitely be set on the highest of highs. I am tempted to brew several small pots in a row. And I think just for good measure, instead of slipping on my Ugg boots when I get up very early tomorrow, I will put on my very loud cowboy boots.

Sleep well my little lovebirds.

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