Sometimes things need to fall apart

When I found out the coffee house really was not happening, I went into a semi-shock, depression, breakdown mode. Basically worthless is what it comes down to. I cried those crocodile tears and felt the panic of change. Scoured immediately through Craigslist again and again. I do think Craigslist could be my addiction. For the past few years it seems I have always been looking for jobs, or real estate, and even when I have both of those I continue to look. It is kind of like reading the morning paper. It is just something I do on a daily basis.

Having to admit that the coffee house wasn't to be - felt of course like some kind of failure. I have had to fight with my ego. I have had to admit defeat. How to tell all of these people I am not leaving, I am not going to be at 54th and Burnside when you come to Portland, that my awesome "Artistry Cafe" banner will not be gently blowing on the corner of the building. I have to email my 200+ Feng Shui client mailing list and let them know that I will still be here, after I have informed all of them that I am moving on to pursue this dream of mine. And I heard back from so many people. They were so supportive, so happy for me and wishing me all the best. Now I have to tell them my dream is not happening, at least not at this moment in time, and here again my nasty ego makes me feel as if it is something I should be ashamed of.

I was supposed to be out of my apartment by tomorrow, but it is not happening. Luckily the landlord does not have it rented for March so I have asked for one more month. I know I need to move on but I can't quite get it together. There is too much to move, to where I'm not sure, and I don't have any energy left for this. I need this month, just one more month. I've cancelled all the utilities, I will reconnect them. I have hired the carpet cleaners, the movers, rented a post office box, I will delay them. I will live for the next month amidst my boxes, this endless river of boxes, packing tape, little odds and ends around that don't seem to belong in any "box" - items that you just can't quite put a label on.

I will take this month to try and settle my shot nervous system and my overworked emotions. I will try and do some soul searching, a little meditating; perhaps I will even eat a balanced diet. If the mood strikes I might even throw in a little yoga and pilates. This could be an extremely good month for me. And I will heed the advice of some very wise friends of mine who have given me the following advice;

"As perfect as it all seemed, I guess you have to accept that there is some reason why this did not materialize as you imagined! On to the next......."

"Sometimes things need to fall apart before you can see the path you need to be on -"

"Don't go running around trying to reinvent yourself" - (told to me after I was frantically trying to find a new job and place to live in a day)

"I'm sure you are doing the right thing as far as Portland is concerned"

I thank all of my friends who have offered their words of wisdom, their words of comfort and encouragement.

 I guess the theme all along has been the same, "BREATHE" -