Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Cry Baby Cry

This apparently is about much more than a coffee shop, or a move to a new city.  This must be about leaving me behind, the me I know, the one who has hung on little by little to her old identity.  Things started to change when at first it was me without my husband, then me without my house, without my pets (my cherished little Westie, Sophie, who I still miss terribly each day), gone are old friends, gone is my old lifestyle.  The last part of my old life to go was my little 2002 BMW that my husband had bought for me on Valentine's Day.  I traded it in last September for a newer model, but it was hard to let it go. It was the last little piece of my old life, and oddly it felt like another piece of me died when I drove off in my new car and looked in my rearview mirror, only to see my old little car left sitting in the car lot.  It felt lonely and so did I.

And now I am leaving this place, Napa, where I moved in 1991.  Where all my memories will bring me when I'm thinking about raising my daughter, the biggest most important part of my life. her horses, her music, her friends, my Feng Shui studies,  I can't believe the powerful emotions that are coming up and all of the things that I am having to think about, to reflect upon, now that the time has come to make this change.  Who would've known I would have been such an emotional wreck because of something that I was viewing as a positive change?  Apparently PJ knew.  She told me that this would be something like giving birth.  At times painful, challenging, scary, and she said, at times I would question it, as in "What in the hell was I thinking" - but that the end product would be worth it..  Something to be proud of, a place to put my love and energy and how it all turned out would depend on how I decided to nourish it.  So far I am starving this poor baby to death!

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