Friday, February 19, 2010

Chicken Little

Things usually fall into place once you decide to make some changes.  They may take a little longer than you had hoped or possibly things fall into slightly different places from the ones you intended.  My things right now seem to just be falling down, and taking my moods with them. I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused.  Trying to figure out if this move is really the right thing, or is the cafe merely a means to get me to move on from here?  Knowing that I need to be making immediate decisions and yet finding it so impossibly hard to make them.  One moment I am sick to my stomach and I see this as my body trying to get me to pay attention, to feel and trust my intuition.  But just as quickly that sick feeling will be gone, overpowered by a wave of excitement that washes over me. I emailed my sister this morning with an "SOS" - Please call, I am having another minor (but could possibly turn into a major) meltdown. Bless her heart, she called me within minutes and just to hear her voice calmed me more than she could know. But it only lasted as long as our conversation. And then. . .

I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off (and from what I hear, once a chicken's head is cut off, they continue to run around for quite some time) Upon hearing that, I never wanted to eat chicken again or use that stupid expression! It was like I was in a panic, like a mother bear that lost her cubs and goes mad crazy trying to find them, or I guess that could be a mother of any species whose children are missing.  So what did I do?  I drove. I drove to Sausalito. I have a million things to do here at home. But I drove. And I sat on the rock wall by the ocean in the foggy misty cool morning looking over at San Francisco and thought "how can I leave this place" - then I drove some more. I drove up through the hills in Sausalito and took in the views from every different direction I could find. I drove listening to Dave Matthews singing "Baby Blue" (song 12 on his latest CD) and I cried. Then I would play it again. And cry. It was said about my late boss Ira, that when he was blue, he was deep blue.  I too like to get deep blue now and again. I drove back up north on 101 to Mill Valley. Stopped in at the Depot for a cup of coffee. I drank it black with a little sugar. I never drink my coffee black. And this is when I knew for sure that my breakdown was really happening; it was not imaginary after all! I got back into my car, grateful to be back in my BMW instead of my KIA rental car (not that there's anything wrong with that) and remembered how my husband Larry would tell me that when I died he was going to bury me in my car. My car was my true home. It is where I go to think, to relax, to feel free. I should have been a long distance trucker. I think I could have pulled that off. But only if I had miles and miles of those long lonely stretches of highway ahead of me, through Nevada, Montana or North Dakota. I can't really see myself maneuvering around in a city. I mean, honestly, the one time I drove a small U-haul truck from Tahoe to Napa I ended up taking off the back end of a brand new Lexus when I took a right turn a little too close!  Okay, maybe that career wouldn't have been the best for me either. What to do, what to do. Got home and checked Craigslist - checked for housing. In Portland? No. I checked places like Sausalito, Santa Barbara, Santa Fe, Cape Cod and even Paris, France. Like the old Bob Dylan song, "How does it feel, to be on your own, with no direction home, like a rolling stone" -

I know the title of my blog is "The Coffee Shop Diary" and the coffee shop adventure was what I truly intended to blog about. I had no idea it would become some kind of crazy manifesto that could probably one day be used against me! Like if someone wanted to declare me incompetent, crazy or something along those lines surely they would have all the documentation they needed, right here.  And for any of you that are reading this that know me personally, please don't worry about me. I'll be fine, just as soon as I eat a little rice pudding and finish it off with some Baked Lays. :)

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