Wabi Sabi through the Holidays

Photo by Nikola Jelenkovic on Unsplash

Some people can’t wait for the holiday season — for them it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. For others it’s a time of dread and just something to get through. But in whichever camp you fall there’s no better time to put into practice the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, roughly translated as the art of acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection.

It seems during this time in particular, we demand so much of ourselves, wanting everything to be perfect, that we can’t help but set ourselves up for disappointment. And from personal experience, I have to remember that even if the chocolate soufflé falls, it will still taste just as good.

But truly, one of my best and most memorable holidays was spent years ago with a group of friends.

The woman that was hosting had unfortunately broken her back in late October but she still wanted to host, so her husband had agreed to do the cooking. When we all sat down at the table and he began to carve the turkey, it was not only raw inside but the cavity was void of any savory bread stuffing and instead was still filled with the plastic bag containing all of the turkey organs.

After his wife apologized profusely and the color returned to her skin, we all broke out laughing, that belly-aching kind of laughter that ends in tears and then we made a call for Chinese take-out.

The holiday, though not all that traditional, was nothing if not memorable. The food was good, the wine flowed, the company divine, and the store-bought pumpkin pies that our host placed right on the table in their plastic containers along with the normally looked down upon Cool Whip, was absolutely delicious.

Expectations around the holidays run high and so do emotions.

We want everything to be perfect. We want everyone happy, the food cooked to perfection, and the table setting beautiful enough to rival one in Martha Stewart Living magazine.

So what’s the solution? How can we adopt a Wabi Sabi attitude? First, recognize that the stress of the holidays affects everyone, even small children. You can’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior all of the time. Know ahead of time that this is an emotional time, filled with excitement, joy, and at times, unhappiness. Try to keep your schedule as open and flexible as possible. Go ahead and skip your weekly book club or piano lesson. This alone takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you more time and a feeling of ease throughout the holidays.

Don’t assume all of the responsibility. If we do this, not only will we not enjoy the holidays, but we will end up exhausted and depressed when guests finally come, or shortly thereafter. So this year, enlist the help of your family. Divide up the activities evenly or do them all together. Make it fun, not a chore to be done.

Another problem is that we put too much emphasis on gift giving. If you feel you must buy gifts for every relative, teacher, hairdresser, neighbor, and the mailman, you are setting yourself up for a very stressful holiday season. Try to simplify this year. Give something of yourself — something that you love to do and that you are good at. Bake cookies, make scarves, give gift certificates for pet sitting, plant–watering, childcare for an evening, or help with clutter clearing. These all make wonderful gifts. Do set a budget, make a list and be realistic about what you can afford to spend.

Of course for many people, the holidays can be a time of sadness or depression. This is unavoidable if we have lost loved ones or have memories associated with Christmas that are not favorable. But this year make a ritual of honoring those who have passed and spend a small amount of time giving in to those feelings. It’s okay. What actually causes us the most stress is that we feel we cannot feel this way. This year celebrate your ancestors. Americans usually hide them away because most of us feel so awkward about death. If you are missing friends or family, try to remember happy times and share them with others.

It’s always important that we stay healthy, but it’s especially important at this time when our bodies can easily get run down. If you have a holiday party in the evening, make sure you eat a nutritious breakfast and light lunch and limit your alcohol intake. For every cocktail or glass of wine you have, drink at least 8 oz. of water in between. You’ll thank yourself in the morning!

Treat yourself to a bath with lavender, pine, rose, or tangerine to help you relax and calm down. Do this before bedtime to help with a good night’s sleep.

Remember to BREATHE.

Deeply. Start each morning out sitting still, eyes closed, breathing. Do this for only a couple of minutes, if that is all you can spare. End each night doing the same thing.

A good Feng Shui remedy is to take an orange and cut 9 small round circles out of the peel. Citrus is known to lift our energy and help with stress and anxiety. Place them in a baggie and take along with you when you are out shopping or out in a crowd. Inhale when you are feeling tired and fatigued. This will invigorate you to keep you going a little longer! Or, you can also bathe in orange peels at the end of the day if you need to regain energy.

Most importantly, keep your sense of humor, relax, release your expectations– and enjoy the holidays!

Finding our way to Happy

Don’t worry; be happy. Sounds simple, right? But happiness has been eluding mankind since the beginning of time, or at least since the Declaration of Independence proclaimed that we had the right to pursue it! And so, like an old-fashioned Easter egg hunt, we all scurried off to find it. And no matter how many eggs we found, there was always someone who found that extra egg, the golden egg, or the one filled with chocolate or money. And then, suddenly, all of our pretty pastel eggs just seemed to dim in comparison.

It seems that we may have the word happy confused with the word perfect. For many of us, it seems that in order to be happy, things must be in perfect order. We must have the perfect relationship, the perfect house and the perfect career. But this is where the road to happiness can cause our vehicle to break down, when it collides with perfection and expectation, the mortal enemies of happy.

The main principal of the Chinese I-Ching is that everything changes. This is the natural and universal law. Our moods and emotional state are not exempt from this law. When you study the Yin/Yang principal and their energetic polarities, you learn that everything has an opposite, that you can’t have the light without the dark, soft without the hard, and you definitely can’t have the happy without the occasional sad. Resisting change and trying desperately to stay the same is what causes us pain, discomfort and unhappiness. Learning to flow and adapt to what is before us in the moment is how we come to arrive at a place of peace, a place of happiness. So is it really happiness that we should be in pursuit of or the state of contentment, satisfaction and peace?

They say that true happiness lies within, at the very core of our being. But for many of us, we don’t know how to begin this journey and feel we need a roadmap to find our treasure. And we’ve all seen the map. It consists of things like meditation, exercise, bubble baths, golden puppies and happy children. But like happiness itself, this road map needs to be customized.

Just as important as the food we put into our mouths, is the food we feed ourselves in the form of healthy relationships, our career or path in life, physical activity, our connection to nature and a spiritual practice. Knowing the path you are meant to be on, which is simply finding your passion, being true to yourself, and trying to put into practice the suggestions below, for me, is definitely the path that can lead to happiness (or contentment):

Let go of expectations. This is a difficult one, because we all usually have some intended outcome that we want to see happen. But try not to get stuck on any one particular outcome. Be open to what comes your way.

Trust. In the universe or trust in your God. Trust that life was given to you to live, fully.

Gratitude. Look at your life in smaller segments.  Everything might not be going great in every life area, but if you break it down, you will find there are lots of things to be grateful for. When we are grateful, when we consider life itself to be a blessing, we can’t help but feel happy.

Be Present. On too many occasions, we wait for the right time and the right circumstances. We fall into the “as soon as I” syndrome. When I think of how much time and enjoyment I have wasted while waiting for things to be “right,” it’s almost a sin

Know that this too, shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Unfortunately, not the good, and luckily, not the bad

Forgiveness. Anger and resentment only hurt the person bearing this poison. They do not harm the object of our anger. Give yourself a gift and let it go.

Passion. Find something you love to do, and, as Nike says, just do it.  Even if you only take baby steps, just take that first step. If you feel there is nothing that truly interests you, reach back in your memory bank. As a child, what did you love to do? There is always some connection between the interests that we had as a child and what we would be passionate about doing as adults.

Acceptance. Explore the subject of Wabi-Sabi, the Japanese philosophy that finds beauty and acceptance in all things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete. Once we can accept that life is full of imperfections and that they too are beautiful and of no less value, we can relax our grip on the reins of perfection, expectations and outcomes. When we accept that change is inevitable, that this is the way, the law of nature, then life becomes easier. We can then get in and flow with the current instead of always struggling to swim upstream.