Friday, July 22, 2011

Don't mess with the GPS

I remember the first time I saw my sister's leather purse that she brought back from Spain. I instantly broke the 10th commandment, "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's house, wife, manservant, his ox, his ass, or anything that is thy neighbour's." In my case, my neighbour was my sister and her manservant the purse.

So when this morning she was telling me a story about how over the weekend her family all took a bike ride to the beach and she threw the little purse into the bike basket, fully loaded with her iPhone, her daughter's Blackberry, a couple of credit cards, and $80 cash I knew there was going to be a horrific ending to the story, involving the little purse that I had so secretly wanted as my own. You are probably wondering why anyone would need to take all these essentials (credit cards and $80) to the beach, but hey, who knows what spectacular purchases might be available along the way.

She started telling me how when they arrived at the beach and parked their bikes, her daughter Emmy handed her the purse, which Pam absentmindedly sat on the bench next to her. As they enjoyed the sun, the water, the gorgeous Santa Barbara day, it was soon time to go home, leaving my little dream purse alone, on a bench, to fend for itself. Oh, all I could think was “I knew she should have given that purse to me!”

They got back to the house and Pam said to Emmy, “Where is my purse?” The natural progression of blame started in, "you did, I did, why did, how did, and on and on." Hopping into Emmy's Prius, back to the beach, praying and cursing all the way that the purse would be unharmed, waiting to be rescued by it's rightful owners. Upon arriving, they checked the bench, the area all around, no sign of the purse. There were a few people nearby, according to my sister, they were "scumbags" and I believe she also used the term "white trash." Two guys and a girl. Age, approximately late 20's early 30's. Pam approaches the "scumbags" and asks if they have seen the purse, or did they see anyone at the table, anyone? "No, sorry." They didn't see anyone or have any knowledge of the purses whereabouts. Now, let me back up a bit. Pam is married to a big, strong, though peaceful and kind looking man, and also has a big strapping hunk of a son who has the same kindly traits as his father, yet physically he can appear a bit menacing, you wouldn't want to mess with him. But did they accompany the women to the beach as part of the search and rescue team? No, they instead choose to stay home and make popcorn and watch some program on the large screen TV.

Frustrated, angry at herself, in a state of upset, she returned home purseless with her daughter who was in a panic because as most of you know, an entire life is contained on your iPhone, all of your contacts, important correspondence, paperwork, photos of the last spring break party you attended that should never be released to the public, unless a lucrative deal was to made with "Girls Gone Wild". A light bulb went off in Pam's head as she remembered that there is a GPS on her iPhone. All she had to do now was go home, get online, pull up her phones GPS. “Find Pam’s Phone” and voila, she would find it. She is brilliant I must say. A real Charlies Angel.

So as the "boys" are enjoying their popcorn Pam and Emmy are on the computer frantically tracking the phone. Just like a CSI episode, great minds at work. Up pops the screen with the location of Pam's iPhone. Right on the beach, right where they left it. Okay, boys, get in the car, you are coming with us. The four of them are off again to the beach. Luckily when they arrived the "scumbags" were still there and Pam, who is a petite thing, with an angelic face and kind demeanor, turns into her pit bull self (I have witnessed this transformation a few times and I must say, it is as impressive as Superman in the phone booth, I love it when she does this!) She goes up to the group and tells them that the GPS tracked her phone to their location. Meanwhile, my big strapping, sometimes scary looking nephew, casually pulls out his phone and dials her phone number, and lo and behold it starts ringing in the girl scumbag’s backpack. "That's my phone!” Pam cries out. Without hesitation, they return my beloved purse to my sister, and apparently they hadn't even looked inside yet, the cash, cards and both phones were still intact. I guess the purse alone was worth coveting. Yes, I can relate.

They turned and left without saying a word, you don't need to say much when David is standing next to you, and off they rode into the sunset. If I would have been with them, I know I would've ended the day on a more dramatic note. I would have at least spewed some choice words at them and then, like a Hollywood hero, kicked sand in their face, all the while knowing I was in the safety of my kick-ass sister and protection of my "don't mess with me" nephew.

So future criminals, you might want to be aware that these "fancy" phones have a GPS. And actually from past experience, even if the phone doesn't, law enforcement does. They can track your phone to any location via satellite. You might want to think twice about taking what is not yours. And you surely don't want to mess with my sister's iPhone - unless you want to mess with her entire family, the eSopranos of Santa Barbara.

iPhone - $400, day at the beach - $100, watching Pam & David kick ass, priceless.

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