Tuesday, May 17, 2011

*Nothing is as far away as one minute ago

I've been moping around, feeling dull, defeated and uninspired for well over a month now.  Me, the one who preaches "things happen for a reason", "when one door closes", "when life gives you lemons", and even though I try with all my might to be a student of that school of thinking, right now I'm just not feeling it.  I've always thought of myself as an optimistic "when life give you lemons" kind of person, if not making lemonade, then I was at least shaking up a raspberry lemon drop martini!  But now instead of making lemonade it seems I'm more inclined to grab that lemon, viciously slice it up and use it to scour the sink.

Things have changed around me, drastically, and as empty as it all feels, a total wipe out, it is a clean slate. It is starting all over again, looking for a new job or new line of work, possibly a new home, possibly a new town, a completely new living situation, but somehow at this point in my life it feels like a much more daunting climb than a great new adventure that I should be embracing.  I feel a heaviness and can get blisters on my feet just thinking about it.
Of course there are always the self-help books to read, the people with their wise quotes and sage advice, dear friends that make you laugh, and for me, "they already saved my life once" re-runs of Sex and the City, to make you feel that you can get through anything.  And the truth is, I know, that of course I can.  It is just a matter of ramping up and wanting to.

The glue that keeps me together
Sex and the City
I have good intentions.  Every morning.  I wake to the delightful beeping sound of my coffee pot, slip on my Uggs, throw on my old blue and white flannel shirt, turn just the right amount of lights on in the house, sit down at the computer with coffee cup in hand and start making my daily to-do list.  It is two pages long.  Oh good, I am so busy.  I have so much to do.  That should keep me out of my own head for awhile.  I immediately go to task, crossing off the quick and easy top two, only to lose focus, slowly fade, distract myself from what I should be doing.  Instead I spend way too much time Googling subjects I really don't need to know much about or start organizing files only to find that I get sidetracked into reading old journals, birthday cards and poetry, for hours.  That's okay, isn't it?  It's okay if I just take this time to pout, to reflect, to imagine, to daydream, what if?  But then guilt overtakes me. Get busy. This is a waste!  A waste of time!  Who is that yelling at me?

It is raining today in Napa.  May 17th, very unusual.  I haven't had heat in my apartment all winter and have made do with my sumptuous Restoration Hardware favorite throw, which I love, and a small space heater.  It is all I can do to keep from wrapping myself up in it, throwing myself on the sofa and watching endless episodes of House Hunters, Seinfeld or anything on HGTV.

Me and my Restoration Hardware Blanket
So I went to boil some water for tea and thought, "Hmm, maybe I should bake something today, something I've never made but have been thinking of trying."  Kill two birds with one stone, heat up the house a bit and make something delicious.  I spent all of about 15 seconds contemplating that idea and decided against it.  Just didn't have the energy or the calories to spare for that.

It reminds me of how they say "youth is wasted on the young" - that is how I am feeling about time.  When I am working or have little time to engage in things that I think I would love to do, like, for example, exercise, clean out closets, bake or cook more, garden, take a class, visit a museum, my list could go on and on, I just never seem to have the time.  Now, it seems that whenever I am given this luxury of time in my life, it is always when things in my life have lost their way, a lost love, a lost job, an empty space somewhere.  So I get the time, but lose the desire.  It is a rather odd predicament - you have the time but no desire, or you have the desire and little time.  Is it always this way?  Wanting what we don't have?

So my question - In life, does the grass ever seem green, no matter what side you're on?  And can we ever learn to embrace the entire pasture?

*title quote by Jim Bishop

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