The Changing Tide

I've been in Portland now for almost two weeks and moved into my little place last Monday. I only had one very full car load of my things with me, so the unpacking was quick, but the putting away was another story.  Does anyone need this many toiletries?  This many black t-shirts?  Moving makes you want to toss out just about everything you own.

The day I arrived, after driving for 10 hours, I pulled into Portland around 6:30, it was dark and my windshield was spotted with rain.  I expected that.  As I drove further north the lights of the city came into view.  It was magical and electric and I could feel the excitement of the city.

But since I've been here my emotions are as changing as the tide ~ one minute I feel a swell of excitement and adventure and the next I just want to throw myself down on the bed and cry into the pillow, "What am I doing here?"  I don't know.  I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  I just want to close my eyes, click my feet together, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home."  Only problem is, I don't know where that is anymore.  Maybe I am home.

Nobody knows what the future holds, as much as we try, as many fortune cookies as we read, as many psychics and astrologers that we consult, we have free will, we make decisions and we never ever know for sure what would have been if we had taken that other fork in the road.  We just have to have faith that we are walking the right one.  Change is a difficult thing, even when those changes are for the good, positive, in the right direction.  It is still hard to leave that what we know behind.  But there comes a time when we have to let go of what was, what we thought could have been, because after holding on so tight and our hands are worn raw, we realize there is nothing left to hold on to.

I mentioned before that there is a tale in Hawaii that when it rains on the day you depart, the island is crying for you.  Well, what I am holding on to now is the hope that when it rains in Portland on your arrival, it is showering you with endless blessings.

I"ll learn to live without you,
but I'll never learn how not to love you

Leaving you here

Early morning, bittersweet.  After a little over a year, today is my last day in Santa Barbara.  At least this time.  I'm sitting here, having my coffee and thinking back, all that has happened since I've been here, the one step forward, two steps back, turning things over in my mind and trying to make what turned into a rather painful ending into an exciting and welcoming beginning. Sometimes that can take a lot of twisting and turning.

So, I'm pretty much packed.  Of course there are lots of loose ends to take care of today.  Like, go by Peet's Coffee and buy some of my favorite Chai Tea.  I know Portland has great tea and tea houses, the Tao of Tea being one of my favorites, but I just need to have one tin of Peet's with me.  Sorting and deciding which things will stay in the long term storage unit, which to take with me in the limited space I will have and adding to the Goodwill bag, moving is never fun.  You would think by now I wouldn't have much left to sort out, but like all good humans, I continue to accumulate.

It's raining here today in Santa Barbara.  That's actually a good sign.  I remember when I lived in Hawaii right after I graduated from high school.  The day I was leaving Honolulu to come back to California, it poured rain.  The locals told me that when it rains on the day you are leaving, the island is crying for you, sad to see you go.   I think the same story applies here.  I'm gonna miss you too, Santa Barbara.  You've given me a lot.  More fun in the 80's than I've ever had in my life, the birthplace of my beautiful daughter, breathtaking scenery that always stay with me, and like San Francisco, I will leave you part of my heart.