Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dropping the Ball

I have always had a mind that bounces from here to there and as much as I have tried to tame it, slow it down, I have yet to succeed at doing that. I have tried meditation, long walks by the beach, exercise, deep breathing. Focus. Something I don't have and something I often lose sight of.

As a woman, it is somehow inherent and natural for us to be able to multi-task. Because of this ability we seldom stop to notice how much we are doing, all that we are trying to accomplish at the same time. Well, while this might work when it comes to tasks involving our homes or our workplace, it definitely doesn't translate well in the dating world. At least not for me anyway.

I've been trying to date. Real live dating. A few people at a time. I never felt it was the right thing to do, but there were no commitments being made, it was more of a "getting to know you" type of thing. But I found that these dates, even if rather mundane, were still affecting me on an emotional level, and even though very doable on a physical level, emotionally it was becoming a serious juggling act.  You don't need to try this trick for long before you realize that when you attempt to juggle too many balls at once it is only a matter of time before you drop them all.

I've dropped them all.  Purposely.  Some slipped right out of my hands while I desperately tried to catch them before they hit the ground, but now, with a new birthday just days behind me, I have decided to let them all go.  I'm too tired.  And what energy I do have, I want to place on other matters, not matters of the heart.  I need to get serious about life.  Serious about myself.  To settle.  But truth be told, the only thing that has ever settled me in the past, was a relationship, a man or a child.  Now without either to ground me, I need to do it on my own. Quite the challenge for me.

I've been out of town for the past 12 days and have had plenty of time to view my life from the outside looking in.  And as is my modus operandi, I seem to put all of my energy into relationships, except the one with myself.  I am like the girlfriend that you cancel plans with at the last minute when your love interest calls.  That is how I have treated myself.  Always them before me.  I made a conscious choice while away to get back home and put my focus on home and work.  Fall in love with that instead. I remember years ago, a psychic that I went to told me that if I had put just half the energy into my work as I had the men in my life I would be a very successful, wealthy woman.  Years later, now knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen, I believe her.

With my good intentions of giving up on relationships and focusing on me, just one day later, Tuesday to be exact, I had slipped into a tarot card reading.  It was accidental.  I didn't seek it, it came from a friend who I had no idea was using this practice since 1978.  She actually belongs to a group called "the little witches" ~ so of course when she offered to read my Tarot cards I couldn't say no.  I have always been fascinated and intrigued with any type of fortune telling.  It was a great reading.  There were lots of Pentacle cards (money related) and then of course, bigger than life, was that powerful man entering the picture.  The last card drawn was "Wheel of Fortune"  which was directly across from my "Lovers" card.  Now I know nothing about this, but my reader said it was powerful and quite significant.  Definitely a man coming into my life that would change something about my life, and a positive change at that.  How refreshing!  All in all, a reading full of opportunity, money, and possibly love, or at the very least, a strong partner in business.  But damn that love, I don't know how to escape it, or if I truly even want to.  I am a hopeless romantic.  That love card always trumps my CEO card.  For now I will try and focus on work, on self, but just to be sure, I may need to put in more time learning how to juggle.

From out of hiding comes the Fool, into the sunlight, as if being pulled up from some low, dark point on a wheel. It is time for a change. Staff in hand, he heads back out into the world, expecting nothing. But, strangely, things seem to happen to him as the hours go by, good things. Wandering by a water wheel a woman offers him a drink in a golden chalice, and then urges him to keep the cup; as he wanders by a windmill, he stops to watch a young man swinging a sword; when he expresses his admiration of the weapon, the young man presses it into his hand, insisting that he take it.

And finally, when he comes upon a rich merchant sitting in a wagon, right over one of the wheels, the man hands him a bag of money. "I decided to give this to the tenth person who walked past me today," explains the Merchant, "You're the tenth." The Fool hardly thought he could still be surprised, but he is. It is as if everything good that he ever did in his life is being paid back to him, three-fold. All luck this day is his. 

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